Tuesday, March 17th, 2009
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5:32 pm - lalalalala
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so I'm about to head to work. I work from 6-close so I will be there for awhile...like midnightish. "Chris" wants to hang out tonight. I really like him a lot. We were both completely sober yesterday and talked about "what we are". As in...what our relationship is. I told him it was up to him because he just got out of a relationship.
He said "ok well we are together". In St. Louis, the definition of "together" means you are seeing each other exclusively but have no labels attached..so you're technically not boyfriend/girlfriend.
He invited me to sleepover but I said no like a good girl!!! He was like ok text me when you get home so I know you made it home all right. I texted "hey I'm home. good night!!" ad he texted back "good night girlfriend".
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? confusing much?!??!?! I went running today and almost died it was so hot outside. Gotta love the Texas heat. I laid out as well. I took my new diet pill that I ordered over the internet- Phentramin-D.
I didn't take it with any food because I've been fasting today. I have hit a plateau. I've been 106 for like 2 weeks now. I'm hoping that the exercise, diet pills, and eating very little will spike up my weight loss. I want to be 98 lbs! That is my goal. I really don't want to go much further down than that...maybe down to 90-92 lbs. When I get there I will just try to maintain that and tone up and get some great abs!
I MUST be 98 by the time I go on vacation with my family this summer in July. I'm sure I can reach my goal by then...HOPEFULLY??? or else I will be a complete failure.
I also took 3 hydrocodone and am feeling very light and bubbly. I feel very warm inside and a little tired. It's time for me to go to work! Hasta Luego.
current mood:  mellow
current music: none!
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(comment on this)
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Monday, March 16th, 2009
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6:11 pm
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oh my god i am so drunk right now.
i seriously think I'm an alcoholic. I have drank the past 6 days in a row..
ryan and i have been having sex every day. i love it but i feel like shit afterwards because last night he said since he just got out of a relationship he doesn't want to go out with me...he just wants to date me. I know I said that I don't want a relationship but I think I do now. God I'm so mad at myself. He is still very sweet...calling me everyday and asking me to hang out. I'm still mad at myself. Why do I have sex with him? I think I'm filling some sort of void. I don't know what the void is from, though. We are going to go work out together in a little bit. I'm going to run my ass off for 3-ish miles and then maybe we can take a shower together and have sex :)
omg listen to me. i am seriously fucked up in the head. i hate myself i really do.
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Thursday, March 12th, 2009
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12:02 pm - fail
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i just ate sushi. I had 5 pieces. I shouldn't have eaten that. I feel so sick to my stomach. That was the first thing I've eaten in 5 days or something. I honesty lost track of the days I wasn't eating. I've been so busy. I work in a restaurant like I said, but on the side I also do PR for an energy drink--VENOM by Dr. Pepper. So tonight from 9-12 I'm going to this video game store that's opening and I basically just flirt with guys and hand out free samples. I get paid $25/hr too which is awesssomeee. But I seriously don't have time to even think. Working 1 and a half jobs, guitar lessons, exercising, social life, not eating (lol). BLAHHHHHHH it actually doesn't sound like much but I am almost never home. Oh and I almost forgot...
I drank 5 margaritas last night, got COMPLETELY hammered, and ended up sleeping over at
" Chris' " house. I woke up and freaked out because I didn't know where I was lol. We didn't do anything bad thank god. I would've been soo mad at myself if I had fooled around with him. But yeah I drove him to where we work because he left his car there last night and everything seemed cool like he wasn't weirded out by the fact that I slept over. So I think everything is good. We're not hanging out tonight since I have to work...but he said he has something fun for us to do tomorrow night since we both don't work. :) yayy
I'm going to go sleep and resist the urge to vomit all that nasty sushi.
current mood:  nauseated
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Wednesday, March 11th, 2009
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4:42 pm
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I would really appreciate it if boys didn't exist...that way I wouldn't have to spend countless hours thinking about them and being nervous/anxious.
sdjgklsjglkjslgjlkadfg it is quite good for not eating though.
I haven't eaten anything in like 6 days. What the hell. And I'm not even faint at all. I wanted to go for a run today but it is FREEZING outside and raining really hard. I'm going to grab a smoothie with lover boy...we'll call him "Chris". I'll get the smallest and least caloric thing on there and only drink a little bit of it. ahhhhhhhhh
boys boys boys go AWAY!
current mood:  anxious
current music: MUSE
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Tuesday, March 10th, 2009
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12:31 am
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And I realized. It was all because of this. I’m just hiding in their shadows of expectations. The way I feel so ambivalent in their midst. I can never appease their undying notion of perfection. So incomplete lying on a makeup-stained sheet I write this. Telling you, diary, this is the beginning of an uncertain adventure.
I refuse to be left behind a tossed heap of insensibles, I am born and bred to be courageous against these demons. I write you to tell you I will be all right.
I AM ANOREXIC…
And I can handle it.
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Sunday, March 8th, 2009
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11:26 pm - wow
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so much has happened. I'm going to be quick about this. still in texas...love it now. broke up with boyfriend. got a new job at a pizza place (watching them make the food and seeing what it looks like makes me NOT want to eat :), met a new guy from work. am pretty much in love. he is HOT AS HELL. this has never happened before. a HOT guy has never liked me. wow. one problem: he just broke up with his girlfriend so I feel like he won't want a relationship--which is cool...I just don't want to be a fling. we could just date exclusively with no labels and I would be cool with that.omg he is fantastic.
he invited me out to lunch tomorrow....can you say "i'll just have a small salad"? :) and only eat a little I HOPE. ill be too nervous to eat anyways.
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Monday, October 27th, 2008
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10:43 am
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my dad cheated on my mom 4 times with 4 different women. i cant believe this is happening
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, October 23rd, 2008
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1:54 pm
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haven't eaten at all today. i just got turned down from my 5th job interview. getting a job in dallas has proved to be impossible. i think it'd be fun to work at Petsmart lol
seriously though...how fucking hard is it for a person to get a job these days..
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Thursday, October 2nd, 2008
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10:01 am
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I just woke up. this is going to be harder than i thought. I already have intense cravings. If i eat though, I will want to kill myself. this is horrible. I have nothing to do and I'm so bored. I guess I'll go look at youtube thinspo
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Wednesday, October 1st, 2008
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9:03 pm
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i didn't eat dinner..it's 9:03...start of a fast? :)
current mood:  happy
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(comment on this)
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2:59 pm
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I'm back once again. And just like the way the rest of my life has been...the past few months have been fucking crazy. just to bring everyone up to speed...I will TRY to keep this short....
I'm a pretty random person. I love to be weird..but funny weird-not weirdweird. I make people laugh a lot. Many times at my expense! I am pretty short (5'3). I have blonde hair and blue eyes. I have a fucked up relationship with food. I hate it and love it and hate it and love it. But mostly loathe it. I don't even want to get into it. I've been fucked up about it since 6th grade...literally. Anywho, my parents moved me to Texas this summer because my dad got transferred. I don't know anyone. Not a soul. I have a boyfriend named Jeff. I only saw him a couple times this summer so that sucked. We went to college together back in my old state-MIssouri. We both hated it. I joined a sorority and he joined a frat because he thought he had to in order to be able to hang out with me, a sorority girl. GDI's and Greeks and University of MIssouri are really segregated. Anyways, I hated it there because of food issues and it was too big and something else that was really bad happened. So I left. I'm back in Texas now...technically a college drop out. I will go back to some sort of college next semester though. My boyfriend dropped out too. A guy who loves metal, has gauges, and is an English major doesn't really fit into the frat lifestyle....haha. Anyways...I love him and will probably marry because he is the only person who understands me the most out of everyone I know. Anyways..I have no fucking idea when the next time I see him will be. I'm keeping this journal to keep my sanity and honestly just have something to do and avoid job hunting online. I love making friends...I swear I'm not a freak. I'm very nice and funny. I just don't feel like going up to random 19 year olds on the street and try to make friends. Would you?!! So in the meantime......I'm doing this
OH AND I HAVE A FUCKING COLD!!! YAY!!!
current mood: sick
current music: Imogen Heap
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Wednesday, June 11th, 2008
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10:41 pm
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Wednesday, May 14th, 2008
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2:59 pm
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so far so good today.
i had a rice cake this morning and some coffee. i'm not having anything the whole rest of the day.
i just rented atonement on itunes so i'm going to go watch it!
current mood:  determined
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, May 13th, 2008
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11:04 pm
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i really can't even go into how upset I am with myself. it is literally always feat or famine with me. i'm either perfectly fine not eating a thing or i binge to the point of now tomorrow. i have come to realize that the bingeing is associated with me drinking. the night i drink and the day after i consume vast amounts of food.
hmm...this may mean i have to give up drinking...because this eating thing just isn't working.
tomorrow. begins. 3. day. fast.
because i probably had 3 days worth of calories last night and today. i can't even go into it without being utterly pissed.
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Monday, May 12th, 2008
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6:54 pm - ABC progress
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today was my first day of ABC :)
i've had 370 calories.
so -130 for today! i'm going to go buy shoes for graduation with my mama
xoxo
current mood:  accomplished
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, May 11th, 2008
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9:44 pm
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mother of god. bad night. i went over to my boyfriends house and i think they are suspicious of my weight. his dad was like put more food on your plate, i'm going to make sure you eat because you're way too thin. and then he made me eat ice cream cake. it was fucking brutal. i hated it so much. because of this I have to officially start ABC tomorrow instead of today. psssh oh well tomorrow is a new day.
day1: 500 calories(or less)
day2: 500 calories(or less)
3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast
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1:08 pm - hooome
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so last night i babysat and i didnt break down and eat!! i was so excited :)
i made $$$$ too so i'm excited. after that i came home and called my boyfriend. he was over at his friends apartment smoking weed so i went over there and had like 5 shots of vodka and a bud select. baaaad...i'm kinda mad about that. that was probably like 450 calories. because i heard 1 shot=70 cals and then a bud select is 99 cals. THEN we went to taco bell and my boyfriend doesnt know about my ED so igot a cheesy bean and rice burrito. im really upset with myself over that. just the name sounds nasty. i looked it up on the calorie counter and that bitch is 490 cals! so i had like 1000 calories in a 2 hour period. i'm so disgusted. its okay though because i only have to put up this fake eating front for a little while longer. i am moving in with my parents in texas this summer before college starts and i wont have to eat a thing because they are so clueless. it's going to be heaven. we have a pool with a waterfall and texas is so warm and sunny. i'm going to be so thin hopefully when my boyfriend comes to visit over 4th of july :)
anyways.. i slept over at my boyfriends house and i just got home. i think i'm going to take a shower..read..do some laundry..maybe go tanning because i'm bored. but then tonight i have to go over to his house and EAT. jesus his family revolves around eating. also did i mention that my sister in law is my boyfriend's step cousin?? KIND OF WEIRD. so we are technically related in a distant way. it's crazy. but yeah my brother and sister in law are going over there for dinner so i kinda have to go. i'll only eat a little and i'll fake a stomach ache or something. i'll be back later i'm sure with updates.
current mood:  okay
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Saturday, May 10th, 2008
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8:35 pm
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soo im babysitting...I haven't had anything to eat. i realized they have a great library full of books i want to read. they have "everything is illuminated", "catch-22", "prodigal summer", "love in the time of cholera", "water for elephants"...etc. I really want to borrow like half of their books.
anywaysss...i dont really know what to do...i'm so bored. i think i will read and just hang out. i feel like I have no friends now. but i really don't care. i'm going to college and i only have to see them 2 more days. ill be back laterrr...
current mood:  bored
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4:53 pm - random what i'm feeling at the moment
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mold me
because I don't know what I am
shape me and finger me
knead me with you calloused and knowing hands
but do you know at all?
I think you do, I'm not sure.
No, you do not.
But you could, If I let you.
Get out of the car and stand there
Open your arms a bit, so I can see the faint
trickle of gold traveling up to the cuff of your shirt
look at your eyes.
your eyelashes fold and I want to kiss them
Kiss me, with a lingering of lip left on mine
I still don't know who I am
I'm trying to find out
I don't need your help
But I will take your company for a while
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3:23 pm - yyyyeah
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ok soo last night wasn't bad...per se. i went to hang out with my boyfriend and we went to dinner at El Maguey..it's a mexican restaurant..i ordered enchiladas verdes. i didn't eat any of the chips and salsa. i ate two of the enchiladas. the only bad part of the meal was the cheese on the enchiladas. other than that i did so-so yesterday. after that we went to his house and I watched him play grand theft auto IV lol. it was funny i guess...then we went to see a movie at 9:15. we saw Iron Man...it was pretty good. entertaining at best. my boyfriend is a huge comic book fan like he has a leather bound iron man comic book with gold leafed pages pshh and so he was pretty critical of it haha. i felt bad because i didnt hang out with my friends last night. they all got drunk so at least i avoided those alc calories. a bad thing was missy told erica how i disapprove of her permiscuous lifestyle. i mean having a one night stand that you regret is fine..it happens to all of us. but erica had a threesome with her ex boyfriend and his friend when she was drunk and her ex bf used to physically abuse her. so i mean erica isnt mad at me but it still is really awkward. so anyways...then jeff slept over. it was fine we didnt drink or anything..we just talked...i gave him head...he tried to go down on me but i was self concious because ive never had that done to me before. i'm just nervous because in my mind its probably so gross down there!! i mean i think i keep it alright down there but you never know..so basically that was it and we just fell asleep. we woke up this morning around noon and went to starbucks. thats all ive had today is black coffee. i don't plan on having anything when i go over to the house i babysit at. i might make some black coffee and read stick figure all night. i'm excited because at midnight tonight i'll be $70 richer haha i'm so broke. i don't know what i'm going to do after. i think i might just call jeff and sleep over at his house. i really just want to be drunk and sedated...i wish i could be drunk and not consume any calories...
current mood: blah
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